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Op-ed: Terrorists, Truthers & Cavemen…Gimme Shelter!

Submitted by on Saturday, 28 March 2015No Comment


Fred talked during the open mike as I sat like a pissed cat waiting for our table to explode. Comics told jokes as he passionately confessed he was taken by me and that we should workshop his one-man show together. “You’d love my stuff. It’s sociopolitical commentary, but personal as well.” I asked, “Have you finished it?” “No- seven years I’ve been working on it.” The emcee came and hissed, “Shhhh!” like he was monitoring the opera. As he walked away shaking his head, Fred still talked, but leaned in his bald spot. “I can’t finish. I’m in therapy about it.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you know Christopher Hedges? Have you heard of him?

“Um, a little bit.”

“The Times fired him because he criticized the war in Iraq. Oh, you have to read him, he’s fantastic. He really knows what’s going on right now. They’re going after journalists- that’s how it happens, they go after journalists first. We’re becoming a fascist state and I mean fast, I mean it’s happening now.”

“Well, I think America will eventually become fascist, but not for some time, not until after we’re dead.”

“Oh, no, it’s coming long before then, way before. Long before. Five years, tops. Here- what’s your number. I’ll call and leave mine on your screen.”

He held what looked like a remote control for an air conditioner, but was a phone- the kind Welfare issues for free. Fred wanted to discuss blow jobs and conspiracies on a cell that was a gift from Obama. I thought, “Che is throwing bombs at him from rebel heaven,” because Che’d agree, the revolution will probably be televised via iPhone.

In other words, lack of savvy doesn’t help the left. Che Guevara, the Marxist with brass balls, was very well-read. He fought U.S. forces in areas like the Congo (until the Congolese dropped their guns and ran away), reading poets like Neruda but also “the great American,” Walt Whitman, who later became a socialist icon. Unfortunately, instead of books, Americans are gripped by farfetched government plots. Last March, I met a burlesque girl who insisted al-Qaeda didn’t exist, that they’re a fake terrorist organization. She yelled in my face that I’d been brainwashed; Al-Qaeda didn’t fly planes into the Towers on 9/11- tanned, Arabic speaking FBI agents did. The whole thing was a sham. Then she said the U.S. framed Dzhokhar Tsarnaev for the Boston Marathon bombings and the real culprits were U.S. Navy Seals. All I know is whoever’s responsible used pressure cookers and American men- forget Navy Seals- have no interest in making rice.

After this rant, she passed me a photo of herself with knees spread to display a cute, shaved vagina. She should fly to Syria and show off that pic. I guarantee, she’ll find out if al-Qaeda exists.

(This conversation happened before ISIL became the “it” terrorists, though to Hillary Clinton and anyone else paying attention, it was clear they were fated to. I don’t mean to sound like Anne Coulter’s tampon- a warring, fear-based, Islamophobic, stand-in dildo- but al Qaeda exists. And personally, “Je suis fed up with Jihadists.”)

Yet since 9/11, a conspiracy lives in the back of everyone’s mind-we’re superstitious. The gods who run America perform black magic; they’ve no moral compass, but control the wind. They’re brokers of myth. They sold us junk mortgages- causing the economy to collapse-but avoided jail. They sat back and watched the onset of Hurricane Katrina, killing eighteen hundred and destroying New Orleans. (Oops!) Why not believe they posed as terrorists, blew up the WTC and televised the con? Like Zeus, it’s their M.O. to dupe us with a mirage of fire. However Zeus, though a trickster, was above all, a caring Olympian-the Greeks prayed to him. He was the grandson of Gaia (aka “mother earth”) and therefore part of the cosmos, not above it. He, too, had been ejected from a womb. Unfortunately, most Congressmen think “Gaia” is a Greek whore with hairy armpits; she’s just something to cum on.

According to historian Arthur. M. Schlesinger, Jr., George W. Bush’s justification for invading Iraq- aside from the presence of WMD’s and its liberation- was that God spoke to him; he had a conversation with “his Lord.” (The Bush administration were known to walk around with The New Testament in hand, breaking at lunch for hour-long Bible studies.) Bush honestly believed God communicated with him; he cast himself as a king with whom God spoke directly, like Abraham. In other words, the dumbest military decision in history was made by a man who thought like a serial killer-his reason was “God told me to.”

Point being, Bush wasn’t a strategist as much as a tool. What’s worse, his regard for faith-based theories like “intelligent design” trickled down to the left, though none of his wealth did. Years later, “9/11 Truth” is a cult. Bush believed God rigged the Big Bang and “9/11 Truthers” believe he rigged the Towers’ demise; they co-write the myth that as God’s right-hand man, he shaped history. He’s a divine Nixon, a supernatural tyrant who lit a city on fire. You can’t blame them, he and Cheney were so oily, they’d date a Saudi pyro. But the U.S. stalled on nabbing bin Laden for years; we deemed it risky. We sat as opportunities passed to stop him. Bush simply resumed this approach: he didn’t rig 9/11, he just didn’t foil it. He was too busy with golf.

To me, politicians are the basest of all life forms except, of course, for independent film producers. So please, question them, but do it with your brain, not a selfie of your clit- it’ll work much better.

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